[Build-Your-Own] Relationship Check-In
Hone in on what matters most, reduce future conflict, and become each other's biggest allies.
The Gottman Institute, which studies relationships and marital stability, found that the key predictor of long-term relationship success is how well couples stay attuned to one another and repair small moments of disconnection. In fact, couples who communicate regularly about their relationship are 80% more likely to feel satisfied and resilient in the face of challenges.
EIGHTY percent.
Another study from the American Psychological Association indicates that couples who discuss their relationship proactively are more likely to work through challenges collaboratively and have fewer conflicts over time. When partners feel heard, appreciated, and supported, both emotional security and mutual trust follow.
TLDR: Having designated time to check in with your partner can transform your relationship.
Below, I’ll share an example structure that my partner and I use to:
acknowledge each other for things we appreciate (which helps us learn what’s actually most important to each other)
kindly recap moments of tension so we have a playbook that avoids them in future, and
share our inner world, and any related support requests.
If you’ve experimented with your own check-in format, would love to hear more in the comments!
If you haven’t done this before, feel free to take it and make it your own. In any event, when committing to your own relationship check-in, consider these principles:
Consistency: Pick a time that works for both of you where you can engage without distractions—whether weekly, biweekly, or monthly—and stick to it. The benefit to more frequent touch points? Less time is needed each check-in because you’ll have less topics to cover over shorter windows.
Emotional safety: Make sure you both feel emotionally resourced and are able to hold space for raw conversation.
Mutual ownership: The goal is not to criticize or fix each other but to listen, acknowledge, and grow as a team.
Example check-in structure:
1. Appreciations (5-10 minutes)
Take turns back and forth sharing one thing you appreciated about each other in the past week for 5 minutes minimum. This is a chance to reflect back what you navigated well together, how they supported your growth, and moments that made you feel loved or secure.
Prompts:
How were they good to me this week? How did they treat me well/show care in the way that I like to receive it?
How were they good for me? In what way(s) did they support my growth, goals, or who I’m wanting to become?
How were they good with me? When were we a good team and how did they contribute to that? What did we navigate well?
What felt good in terms of security or stimulation (affirmation, trust, play, intimacy)?
Examples:
"You were good for me when you were patient as I verbally processed work frustrations, even though it was a busy week for you. I felt really supported.”
“You were good to me when you planned that spontaneous date night and I didn’t need to make any decisions to make it happen"
“You were good with me when you encouraged me take some space before talking our disagreement through.”
This step reinforces positive behavior and creating a foundation of trust. Take note of what your partner found most memorable - you might be surprised what details meant the most!
2. Activations (10-15 minutes)
Next, revisit challenges or tensions from the past week. I can’t stress enough that this isn’t about blame, but learning from those moments. Use "I" statements to avoid making the other person feel attacked.
Prompt:
What activated me this week? Were there moments I was sad, angry, frustrated, or disappointed?
How did I create or contributed to it (or how things escalated)?
What would have worked better?
Example:
"I felt a bit activated when you sent those voice notes during dinner. I was looking forward to some uninterrupted time to connect, which is why I reacted the way that I did. Looking back, I shouldn’t have raised my voice and I want to acknowledge that. What would have worked better for me is if you told me before we sat down that you might have an update come through that you’d need to reply to, and let me know it how long you’d need to address it."
After sharing, allow space for acknowledgement or apologies. This step prompts us each to reflect on how we contributed to the escalation, empathize with our partner’s experience, and consider what request(s) we can make to increase our relational agility later.
3. Awareness (10-15 minutes)
Now that both partners are feeling heard and you have a few reps of collaboration under your belt, this next window is to share updates from your inner world… like new dreams, desires, stories, personal challenges or other ways you may need support in the coming week.
Prompts:
Are there any new dreams, goals, or plans I’ve been thinking about?
Is there anything I desire that I’d like to express directly?
What should my partner be aware of in terms of my focus or availability?
What do I need help with or support on this week?
Examples:
"I’ve been thinking about the best time to launch my new offer, but I’m feeling a little overwhelmed by our upcoming travel plans. It would really help if we could set aside some time this week to make some decisions."
“I have a story that you’re less interested in spending time with my family for the holiday. I know you’ve reassured me but I just want you to know it’s still on my mind”
“I’m still feeling discomfort around you spending time with your ex, can we schedule a bigger window of time to talk through it?”
“I’m noticing that our space has been less tidy recently, and it distracts me when I work from home. Can we commit to putting things away more consistently this week?”
This step allows each partner to stay attuned to the other’s inner world, ensuring that dreams, goals, and emotional needs are heard and supported. It’s also a great way to express desires openly, fostering vulnerability and preventing misunderstandings.
4. Acknowledgement & Agreements (5 minutes)
This end cap allows each partner to acknowledge the other for how they showed up in the check in, restate any agreements made, and find time to schedule any follow up conversations or activities.
Final tips!
Be present: Minimize distractions to ensure both partners feel fully seen and heard. If you have your phones out, pop them on airplane mode and limit use to your notes app (if you made notes beforehand or want to capture takeaways, agreements and things to schedule).
HALT if you feel hungry, angry, lonely or tired. Consider your check-in timing when making plans or exerting energy the day or night before. Consider a positive state shift before you both jump in (i.e. hot shower, sauna, breath work, push ups, etc) — skim / review this 3-10 min check in process to reduce the chance of mid-date tension.
Choose a thoughtful location: We avoid check ins while driving, or when in public places to encourage vulnerability. Parks, or a scenic view mid-hike, are a fave.
Choose a thoughtful window: Don’t schedule your check-ins to end just prior to other commitments. You want a time buffer to allow your nervous systems to relax before moving on to other activities.
Be a safe space for your human: When they’re sharing their experience or desires, just let them process without taking it personal - being heard is healing (you don’t need to agree or want the same things). I read somewhere that when someone passes you a ball, hold the ball - don’t redirect the conversation to how holding the ball makes you feel. While this moment is not about you, you can always schedule additional time to go deeper on any implications to your relationship. Speaking of…
Make space for deeper conversations: If discussing an activation is still… activating… or a topic comes up that needs additional discussion, find a new/separate window of time to give it the attention it deserves.
Make the format your own: the format above is just a suggestion, feel free to edit/adjust/discard as you like! Maybe you want to rate yourself on a 1-5 scale for each of your partnership values… maybe you want to ask more directly for feedback… experiment with it based on what’s important to you as a couple, and as individuals.
Patience, Iago: It might feel a little clunky at first, and that’s okay. The goal is to build communication skills, personal awareness and empathy over time. As you make this a more routine practice, you’ll clear points of tension more easefully.
Celebrate progress: Recognize improvements and acknowledge the effort both partners are putting in.
By incorporating relationship check-ins you increase your relational agility to stay in alignment, no matter what. Resilience, baby!