Don't have time to date your partner?
What ROI, COI (cost of inaction), and entropy has to do with it.
As entrepreneurs, we’re often focused on how to do more with less, producing results and staying on top of our ever-evolving to-dos. Time is our most valuable asset, and every minute seems to count toward company stabilization or growth.
It’s understandable to feel that way. And, because of the responsibility we feel in generating results, we often put personal relationships on hold when something else seems to require our immediate attention. But what if dating could actually enhance our productivity and success?
What if dating is not a distraction but an accelerant?
As with any new habit, let’s first consider our mindset. When you think of taking the time “off” to date your partner — what comes to mind as the core motivation?
Is it quality time you don’t feel like you need personally, but you should do because your partner would appreciate it?
Is it something you feel tension around because you genuinely want to, but other factors in your life feel more urgent?
Is it something else? (share in the comments and we can flush it out!)
This simple self-audit will shed light on where a mindset shift might be on the table:
If the “it’s for them, not for me” camp resonates…
Let’s talk about ROI — return on investment. If you’re not naturally excited about investing your time in this way, I’d wager you’re overlooking the value available beyond making your partner feel like a priority.
Return #1: Unplugging can improve your performance
In Relax and Win, authored by a coach to Olympic athletes, Bud Winter shares about the role rest plays to achieve success. The secret? Maintain your output at 80% energy and don’t max yourself out — if — you want Olympic level results. Rest periods help boost creativity, improve decision-making, and restore energy, all of which lead to better productivity.
The Flow Genome Project team released a training on how to get a month’s worth of results in a day. While the byproduct of testing their method resulted in my ability to launch my website, free tools/template downloads, and this substack over a couple weekends, it also gave me a game-changing takeaway: it is imperative to reduce your cognitive load during breaks. Meaning, while we may feel productive by sneaking in strategic content in between “working” blocks — our brain doesn’t catch a break, which can lead to burnout.
Return #2: Dates can help you build skills that will get you closer to where you want to be
One of the best things about dating is that we get to pick the activity. And yet, this is one of the reasons that some people struggle with it… the “what do we do?” loop.
Want to… be a better presenter? Look up local drop-in improv classes, adopt a beginner’s mindset, and prepare to get a littttle uncomfy… improv is basically an imagination dojo that helps us embrace imperfection.
Want to… learn how to ask better questions? Head to a restaurant with your boo, sit at the bar, and ask strangers to tell you their story. Practice active listening, stay curious, and take turns asking follow up questions to tease out the details.
Want to learn how to ask better questions… and one of you are introverted? Order a conversation starter card deck, pour some tea, and notice what type of questions lead to the best moments of the night.
I could go on, but I think you get the point.
Return #3: A gentle reminder that we are not (just) our business.
I think most of us feel our work is an extension of our identity — and at least a fraction of what we value deeply. But what about the parts of us that aren’t expressed on a daily basis?
What activities did you used to enjoy that you no longer make time for?
What part of your history has your partner yet to experience (and vice versa)?
What experiences would feel like an exhale? What would be a thrill?
What have you been interested in trying that you keep postponing?
Not only can dates break the script of our usual week and be a restorative experience, they can bring life to our lives. Have you ever looked up from your computer and wondered where the past quarter has gone?
As it turns out, having novel experiences gives us the feeling that time has expanded - not shrunk. Fancy that.
If you’re in the “It’s not as urgent as [these other things]” camp…
Let’s talk about COI. While ROI may have been one of the first concepts we learn in business, the “cost of inaction” is equally powerful. COI considers what happens if you DON’T take an action - which is relevant as we talk about how we evaluate what is, or isn’t, urgent.
So, what’s the cost if we DON’T date our partner?
For you, as a couple:
“Don’t leave your coffee for too long and then be surprised when it’s cold.
I’m not talking about coffee.”
- some meme on instagram
I’m going to skip the “your partner won’t wait around forever” bit because that’s some relationship 101 you already know - and yet - it’s not moving the needle for you (otherwise you wouldn’t be here).
Here are a couple more ways of thinking about designing a life where you can thrive, and how dating enables present you to look out for future you:
Repetitive connection in various environments expedites learning of oneself and another. When we gift ourselves with the space to know our partner, and be known, it allows us to build out our playbook for teamwork.
If you’ve never heard of entropy, it’s the thermodynamic principle that things will move towards disorder as time goes on. The takeaway: relational maintenance reduces future chaos.
“What you appreciate appreciates”… care begets care.
For you, as an individual:
If we don’t prioritize time with our partners, we’re more likely to miss out on personal growth and life balance — which lead to * even better * business results.
The very act of saving space on our calendars for dates begins a chain reaction that can improve our relationship with time:
Have you heard of “Pareto’s 80/20 principle”? 80 percent of our results come from 20 percent of our actions.
Have you heard of "Parkinson's Law"? Work tends to fill the time available for its completion, meaning people often take longer to complete a task if they have a longer deadline, and vice versa.
Why is this relevant? When you combine the two and ask yourself: if you only have X amount of time to do the most important things this week, what actions would lead to the most impact (Pareto), and how would you accomplish them within the amount of time you have (Parkinson)?
TLDR; saving a window for dating on your calendar inspires higher quality discernment
Being in relationship can reflect parts of us that we don’t always see ourselves, increasing self awareness and creating opportunities to develop as leaders. Without prioritizing date nights, we miss out on some really helpful mirrors :)
As an entrepreneur, having a strong support network is invaluable. Harvard Business Review reported that an entrepreneur in a supportive partnership is more likely to reach their goals. Healthy relationships can provide the emotional and mental stability you need to face business challenges, and (pending their opt in to talk shop) your partner can offer fresh insights or different perspectives that might even benefit your work.
As mentioned earlier, neglecting our personal life could also lead to burnout and stagnation, which can affect our businesses in the long run.
Don’t consider date nights a diversion, but a strategic investment in becoming a well-rounded, emotionally intelligent, and balanced individual—qualities that will serve you in both love and business.
Want to hear from someone else? Check out Netflix CEO’s take on his Tuesday night commitment that’s enabled him to start seven companies while “staying married to the same woman, having my kids grow up knowing me, and being able to spend time pursuing other passions in [his] life.”
… Starting to come around to the idea of date night?
Let’s make this practical :)
You can set whatever goal you and your partner would like with respect to type of date and frequency. I’ll share an example below for you to modify.
Within the month, you can aim for:
One to two “building block” dates: these are activities that help keep you and your partner on top of your wellness game while doubling as quality time, i.e. meal prep, fitness activity, etc. If you don’t already have a shared routine in any way, identify an overlapping goal (nutrition, movement, self care) and leverage the date as built in accountability to get closer to what you both want
One date to “invite” and/or one to “delight”
“Invite” something you want to experience more of (an activity you miss that you’d both enjoy, an opportunity to build a skill, or a feeling in the relationship you’d like to coax out more — see the Datrix section), or
“Delight” your partner (an activity you know they’ve been wanting to try or something that they’ve been craving)
One to two dates your partner coordinates (via “invite or delight” above)
In my relationship, we trade on/off leading date night every Wednesday. Ideally, we include at least one activity that feels like play, one that is rejuvenating, and one that helps us learn each other a little more deeply over the course of the month — but ultimately defer to what we feel we need most that week. Play with it though! You can theme one month “invite” dates and “delight” dates the next, so giving and receiving feels balanced.
Final Checklist
Consider for yourself: what parts of you have you not made time for (the artist/creative/adventurer/athlete) recently? What do you want to feel more of? What skills are you wanting to build? What would help you unwind?
Consider for your partner: what are they aching for? Is there something you both are craving?
Look at your calendar and decide how many dates to commit to for the month. Can you take turns leading a invite/delight date each week? If a particular week feels packed, can you schedule in a building block date to meal prep, get sunlight or move your body to keep your wellness on point?
Confirm who is leading each (even if you don’t know what activity you’re going to do yet), and block the time on your calendars… it’s romantic, I promise.
And of course, if you’re interested in an accomplice for date ideas, you’re welcome to check out our done-for-you Datrix by joining our monthly subscription (which also includes one live group call a month geared toward designing dates for special occasions).
Thanks to Albert Q for submitting a question that prompted this article 🙏