What's your number?
...not THAT number ;) Three Flash Tactics to Improve Communication and Decision-Making in Your Relationship
Sometimes decision-making with our partner can be easier than we think, if we ask a few simple questions. Here are a few vetted tactics I’ve used in my relationship to increase our empathy and make decisions more efficiently.
1. Importance Level
When facing a decision, big or small, it’s easy to get caught in binary preferences of "yes or no," or "for or against." Asking this question allows us to understand how strongly they feel about a particular option or direction.
Here’s how it works: When discussing a decision, ask for a number between 1 and 10 to express how important an option feels to your partner. For example:
You might ask, “What’s your importance level on spending the holiday together instead of separate with our respective families this year?”
Their answers may range from “it’s not important” to “not that much, maybe a 2?” to “it’s a 9 for me, babe” — the latter two being an example of why a scale may alter your final decision.
This system allows preferences to not only be expressed, but the weight they’re giving to it.
2. Resistance Level
Similar to the importance level, this number from 1 to 10 indicates internal resistance to a particular option or course of action.
For example, “What's your resistance level to rearranging the furniture in the living room?”
Receiving a “10” response could spark an immediate assessment that making a case for change is not time well spent, especially if your importance level is low.
As you can also imagine, exchanging your numbers may simplify a decision if one person is much higher than the other in either importance or resistance levels. When you are wanting to explore your partner’s preference further, the next step is to simply ask why they would give it that number.
3. Energy Check-In
The final tactic comes from Brene Brown, who also shares a number system (1-100) with her husband that signals how much energy they have available to take action or support the other.
If she comes home and she's totally wiped, she might offer "I'm at 20 dear, can we wait to go run errands?"
Or if they're both "at 100" - they might split the yard work 50/50.
In either case it's a helpful gauge for how much energy and mental clarity you each have at a moment in time. It’s a simple but helpful way to ensure that you’re showing up for each other with respect and awareness, rather than simply assuming that both of you have the same capacity for action. This check-in also prevents unnecessary frustration or misunderstandings when one partner is ready to go, and the other has needs to address.
(You’ll also see this tactic built into the "EVOO Date" in the Datrix if you’re a paid subscriber!)
Each of these three tactics give you and your partner more insight into each other’s internal world and empower you to make choices that consider both of your opinions.
The next time you’re navigating a joint decision or trying to balance preferences, try using one or more of these techniques and let me know if you have any questions in the comments.